sit with your shit

sit with your shit.  a relatively simple idea, yet something we tend to avoid.  especially when the going gets tough.  it's been a challenging week.  for a few days, i was beating myself up over the fact that i'm heading into the new year in a slightly overwhelmed state of mind.  i like the idea of having a plan for 2018, and being able to tie a neat bow around 2017.  and right now, i don't have the energy for either. 

it's not that 2017 wasn't an incredible year; it was.  i had the opportunity to celebrate my love up at 10,000 ft. with all the people james and i love most in this world.  we traveled to Israel, new York, California, new mexico, and Taiwan to name a few.  tears were shed, lessons were learned, food was cooked.  i feel that 2017 was one of the fullest years of my past 27.  i am so grateful for each and every day that occurred.  the ones that didn't feel good were wholly necessary looking back.  the ones that felt amazing were uplifting and sincere and joyous.  

... and as i write, i remember that gratitude and especially the expression of gratitude is one of the best ways to reframe our perspective.  i believe it was alan watts who said muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone or something to that effect.  for me, muddy water is best cleared by naming our appreciation for the good in our lives.  because already, i feel better.

it's also not that i feel so bad.  more so, I've had a sense of where i'm at in my life the past few years.  what lessons i'm learning, what direction i'm headed, etc.  right now, i feel like the pages are turning and i'm entering a new chapter and i don't know the name of the chapter.  it feels unsettling.  but i know there's no where to go but forward.  i don't want to avoid what's happening or distract myself in any way.  tv seems unnecessary, social media feels "whatever".  

i want to sit with my shit.

and no, of course i don't really want to.  it doesn't feel good to make friends with my anxiety in this moment.  i know that's what i have to do - to feel my feelings and allow the waves to wash over me.  the waves are crashing, hard, but i have no choice but to keep my feet firmly planted in the ground.  my feet don't want to move, it's my mind that wants to check out.  but i'm not going to do that.  

i am GOING to sit with my shit and see what comes up.  i am going to love the feelings that i'd rather not love and hold my own hand through this next chapter.  I've been here before, and i'll be here again.  uncertainty is the way we learn to make sense of the world and i'm ALL in.

so here's to 2017, 2018.  all the years past and all the lessons to come.  here's to not backing down and continuing to love all that the winds of life blow our way.

Hannah Smith