20-f**ckin-17

i wrote a bit in my last post (sit with your shit) about my uncertainty in this chapter i'm entering.  i feel the page turning, and i'm not sure what words await.  it feels unsettling, but not in a way that makes me want to flee.  i'm doing my best to greet this next chapter with curiosity and an open mind.  an open mind and an open heart.  

i have this moment to pause and reflect.  everyone is out doing their new year's eve thing, and i'm sitting in a quiet house watching theo sleep.  for all the dust that's swirling around me, i feel surprisingly calm.  maybe i'm confusing calm with depleted... 

i'm not a huge resolutions person.  i feel like every day we choose what decisions we make - i don't believe the start of a new calendar year is the reason to make changes.  that being said, i appreciate the opportunity to stop and reflect.  

i think of where i was a year ago today.  i think of what i thought i knew, and how some of those truths slipped through the cracks, disappearing altogether.  it's always amazing to me how we can be so sure of ourselves, only to find out we've been standing in quicksand.  as those truths slide away, new particles of knowledge slip into their place.  

so i can ask myself - what did i believe a year ago that no longer rings true for me?  what beliefs that i hold today will no longer ring true for me a year from now?  (i have no idea.)

here's what i do know.  through all the uncertainty to come, i have made a decision.  i had an epiphany in a yoga class that i took in Israel.  my wonderful teacher - who was teaching in English, despite Hebrew being her first and main language - was struggling to find the correct words to explain mulabandha.  i stepped into help and had a moment of - whoa, i know my shit.  and then immediately thinking - eh, i still can't teach as well as others.  but FUCK that.  yes, of course, others can teach better than i can.  (i also haven't taught in a year or two.) but why NOT be proud of what i do know, instead of immediately trying to talk myself down from something that makes me feel empowered?  i think we're conditioned as women to be humble when it's not necessary.  i'm not saying this through the lens of misogyny - not because it doesn't exist, but because that's not my tale to tell.  i'm coming from a different place.  i feel like we ALL think it's sweet when someone displays humility.  you're good at that! is almost always met with a bashful reply.  but why?!?!  why can't we be proud of what which we know - and if it turns out what we think we know is wrong, be okay with that. 

we don't have to be perfect, but as women - and as men - we do owe it to ourselves to come into our power. 

so here's to a year of owning what we're proud of - of receiving compliments and not brushing them off.  here's to a year of supporting others to show up this way too.

here's to a year of opening our arms to uncertainty and not hunching our shoulders and slinking into the shadows when the light feels too bright.  

here's to a year of self-discovery and allowing the granules of truth that no longer serve us to be replaced by something that does.  

here's to a year of holding on tight to that which we know - and to listening to our intuition when it's time to let go.

here's to a year of love, lessons, and laughter.

bring it on, 2018.

 somewhere in tel aviv

somewhere in tel aviv

Hannah Smith