right here right now

feeling all the feels in this moment. i haven’t felt great the past few days. i had to have a tough conversation today that hurt someone i care about deeply. i had to share a truth of mine that i knew would be sad for both myself and the person with whom i was communicating. it’s funny the way we understand what’s real for us - sometimes it’s obvious, and other times it slowly creeps into our radar. my truth often manifests as a feeling, long before i can put it to words. i get this nagging sensation that something isn’t right and it forces me to go inward and comb my body with curiosity to find the source.

i’ve been writing a lot recently. rather, i’ve been going through old writing and slowly creating an outline for a book. and through this experience i’ve been able to observe messages i’ve been trying to send myself for months, if not years. it’s brought a lot up for me.

i think of myself as a very honest person these days - both with myself and the people in my life. i’ve watched the progression of my relationship with myself over the past few years as i’ve reread old journal entries. there are things i remember wanting to say to myself and didn’t. i was afraid in my PERSONAL writing to say certain things to MYSELF. i read pages of writing where i am clearly skirting around my truth and it’s almost laughable to me at this point, that i couldn’t be honest with myself in the past. if we can’t be honest with ourselves, with whom can we be?

a very clear truth i’ve unveiled is my need for time and space. for me to take care of myself and prioritize my needs and to learn what that looks and feels like outside of a partnership. it’s funny - it doesn’t matter how supportive a partner is or how much they honor my requests for time (whether that be for writing or friends). it makes me uncomfortable to ask that of a person while in relationship with them (specifically, romantic relationships). and CLEARLY, that’s because it’s about me and not the other person.

i need to learn how to prioritize myself and give myself what i need. i can have the most wonderfully understanding partner and it won’t be enough right now because it’s not about anyone else; this work isn’t for anyone else to do. all on my own, i need to tend to my needs. i need to continue to integrate how deserving i am of the things i want. advocating for myself is something i’m incredibly skilled at until i’m not. until i begin to care for a person and i feel a need to protect them and make them feel good. then, my ability to state my needs at any given point goes right out the window.

but anyways, the point of this all is that when we discover our truth we have to be honest with ourselves. i have felt terrible these past few days in part because i knew i would hurt someone i care for deeply - but in large part because i’ve known i’m not being honest with myself. we have to take the time to let the layers peel back: layers of love, of desiring connection with others, of being lead by what feels good in the moment. beneath it all is what WE need for ourselves.

i need the freedom to take what little time i have in a week and do with it as i please. journal, work on the book, build shelves in my cabin, read books. cook, see friends, pet theo, lay on my mat. i have so little time these days that everything is inherently in competition for my free time and that’s just how it is right now. and that’s okay. part of the gift of not having excess time or energy is an intense examination of where i want to put the time and energy i do have.

for right now, my choice is to focus on my writing, my truth, myself.

that’s all for now, xx.

Hannah Smith